SMARTY.

In my house, we’ve been talking about how it is to be with… each other.
In my mind, I’ve been thinking about how it is to be with, period.

With two tween girls, and the fourth member of our family in another state, our togetherness – and even our apartness – has a quality    to it.

I’ve reminded everyone that we are who and what we have. And, that our togetherness colors our worlds. We can lift, annoy or deflate each other… in an instant.

To them, I’ve asked –

Am I being good company… for you?
Are you being good company…for us?

It got me thinking – what does it mean to be good company? And what does this moment help us see about each other – about “us” – that we might not face in the midst of life as we knew it?

We’re mostly in the business of evaluating how others push and pull us. We’ve become semi-professional articulators of how your habit/way/mood/view…impacts me and mine. But how often do we consider how it is to be them…around us? Or even, how is life      with me…
as me?

With proximities we haven’t had before, and for durations that transcend any past frames of reference, our togetherness (or aloneness) has created new sensations, perhaps even revelations – welcome or not.

Nothing is how it was.
Yet simultaneously…
Some things, how ever they were, have now become magnified.

A natural instinct would be to continue to manufacture distractions – as that is what we know how to do so well. But that would miss this unprecedented opportunity, where life has paused out there…where we could make eye contact with right here, right now and see
something important.

On a more superficial level, I see that for myself it’s easy to react with jagged edges to various triggers – be it my tiny roommate’s leftover dishes on the coffee table or a silent (but definitely judgmental) response to someone or something on social media. On a dark day, it can sound like my greatest hits of personal disappointment – the voices of every little or big way I’ve let myself (or others) down. The compare = despair machinery wakes up – even in these new conditions.

Under normal circumstances, I might quickly reset myself with – so what? To what end? And arrive, ultimately at … move on…no time (or energy) for that.

But that grounding exercise is easier to do when the proverbial “edge” is within sight.

When the world made sense (a month or two ago), we measured our reality – our overall OK-ness – through a dynamic lens, often comparing what is to what could be. Whether we’re aware of it or not, we are almost always self-regulating our relationship with good, getting better…bad, getting worse…stagnant, not going anywhere. We have end dates. Start dates. Calendars. Before we let a feeling submerge too deeply, it’s probably time to …make dinner, see friends, meet a work deadline…get on a plane. Diversion was our frequent companion.

And it’s not that we didn’t feel, or let ourselves feel – if you’re reading this – you’re a feeler, like I am. We feel.

But now, whether alone or with others, the feelings that might have stayed boxed away in storage have nowhere to go, but here.

For me, these mercurial tides take the form of reflections, questions and ruminations about my purpose, about my relationships. They can wash over me in huge waves or nip like tiny laps at my ankle. In these moments, I don’t know whether it’s harder to be with, or to be alone.

There are times when my own company is startlingly honest. I’ve been aware of a pattern emerging, noticing the distance between how I feel and what I want, and what I do about it.

I’m not always ready to face these emotional voicemails.
Yet, I don’t want to be afraid of them.

Are the answers to questions of being good company – for each other, for ourselves – more important to answer today? Are they more pressing than a month ago, or a year before that? Will they be as important six months from now? I don’t know.

What is pressing is this unusual opportunity, despite its dark catalyst. Our accepted constructs of time and space have been redefined, removing the usual barriers to eliciting authentic answers. Our emotional nerve centers, more porous these days, are letting more in…letting more out…with fewer filters. We’ve been invited to what could be a one-time conversation, if we’re willing to accept.

What an opening to take inventory of our impact; on each other, on our worlds – both literal and figurative.

How am I, for you?
How am I…for me?
How are we?

We are always keeping company.
This seems like a rare moment to inquire about how it is, to be us.

Today, I got down on my knees and did something I’m slightly ashamed to say… I haven’t done in a very       long time.

I cleaned all the floors in my house.
I scrubbed the corners of the bathrooms, the places that no one sees until they look too closely.
I scoured the kitchen, edge to edge.

It is a privilege (under normal circumstances) to be able to outsource this work.
At the same time, it was on my knees that felt right on this day.

On one’s knees there is humility. It’s the way we pray; it’s where we play with our babies, and where we come to understand what vulnerability really means. It’s often where we cry.

There’s something about being close to the ground, the earth. The act of lowering our bodies also lowers our walls, our egos, our pride.

Once, when I was in India, I saw something that I still think of often.

I was sitting in the courtyard of a shrine, an open square surrounded by an ancient wall whose center housed a divine Hindi god. There are hundreds like them.

Thousands of people, of all socioeconomic groups, were making their way in and out. The very, very poor – shoeless, toothless, penniless – stood alongside the very rich, with expensive watches and waiting drivers. Some were moving slowly, others in a rush. Worship, in India is a daily devotional practice – a stop on the way to work as much as a holy family outing.

I watched as throngs of people poured out of every doorway, walking briskly past the others who had prostrated themselves in front of the structure itself – some, kneeling, noses down, others laid out on their bellies, arms outstretched in supplication. This chaotic scene plays out often there – to the curiosity of Westerners who can’t imagine ourselves face down in our own sacred venues – which might be church for some, or a concert for others.

A young man, maybe 20-years old, in his rush to leave, inadvertently stepped on the arm of an elder woman still in the process of worship. With her face down buried into the stone, she most certainly felt the injury – it was the full weight of his body on her frail wrist. But she didn’t move.

Realizing his miscalculation in space, he quickly turned back to her, and without registering a second of contemplation – he got down on his knees, and kissed both souls of her aged, bare, blackened feet. As quickly as he had knelt, I was no sooner looking at the back of his checked shirt, pushing the turn style to leave.

She never looked up.
And he never turned to see if she did.

What will it take for us…to get here?
To feel this sense of connectedness?

Something passed between them, yet no thanks was given, no validation sought. But humanity, nonetheless, was undeniably present. The act itself, of course, transcended all practical precaution for hygiene, a behavior that has become part of our daily consciousness at this moment – a practice that could (in fact) determine life or death.

But even at that moment, it wasn’t the act itself I hoped to replicate, but more that such instinctual reverence for a complete stranger could be second nature… that seemed worth emulating.

I chose my knees today because I think it was the only place that matched my emotional hillside.

It was devotion.
It was humility.
It was surrender.

I can’t remember the last time…I had time.
When I wasn’t in a hurry.
When I wasn’t doing two, three, even four things – at once.

This is unprecedented. Perhaps even sacred.

Strangely, I’m now beginning to realize how upset I’ve been at never having enough…
Hours…..Space…..Width…..Depth.

We, as a culture, know so little about staying in one place. About settling in. About being quiet, within the quiet, in the soft corners of our interiors. We talk about it. But how much do we embody it?

Our footprints are on everything, even while we talk about stillness.
Our minds are everywhere, even as we preach about mindfulness.

Yet, there are some of us – many of us I’m learning – who see the gift in this (undoubtedly) finite moment.

We are doing things we haven’t had time to do in years. Our schedules are empty, and one thing doesn’t have to be sacrificed for another, because the day just got a lot longer. We aren’t checking the box, we’re climbing out of it – even as we’re confined to it. For the first time in a long while, we can hear ourselves think. Yes, the thoughts are scary, uncertain, confronting and even bleak at times. We see suffering, and fear.

But somewhere, deep inside, is that relief I also feel?

A regeneration is happening.

What can we learn?
What can be birthed – in all this space?
What closure – within us, around us – has been forced, that needs to
take hold?

I hope this time can and will mean something. Because unequivocally, we are getting a message, if we’re willing to hear it.

Could this be the beginning of everything that needs to be next?

I’m going to let it come.
And then, let it roar.
I want to be ready for something precious and bold.

I want this to be the time…
we didn’t go back to that.

We have some change to make.

PS in case you missed it, check out our last post, Uncertainty.

At the root of most anxiety is the unknown. I’m feeling a lot of this lately.

What if… ?

Then what?

And why?

Our ability to cope with what is not yet known ends up defining so much of who we are, how we behave, the decisions we make, and how we impact those around us.

Chronic worriers tend to operate with fear – and (think they) can control it through intense relationships to time, scheduling, details or even schadenfreude.

Other types think in terms of the worst-case scenario. A nagging pain becomes a terminal disease, a bad month turns into a prediction of a bad year, an unreturned call appears like an omen of disinterest/failure/rejection.

But low-grade anxiety is something that operates at a different frequency, is easier to mask, and is universal. It often feels like a shadow lurking nearby. We keep it at bay with plenty of distractions – staying busy being at the top of the list, followed by addictions across a wide spectrum, from alcohol to sex, shopping, exercise, parenting or health. Anything that creates an environment where the shadow can remain nameless qualifies. This is how much we avoid the realm of the unknown.

Technology lets us know a lot about the future – from impending weather to DNA – and allows us to mitigate what we can. But we still can’t predict the majority of things that would really matter, beyond right now. That’s a fragile feeling.

This blog was written three years ago. All of my writings are inspired by the observations I have at any given time. I don’t know what it was that inspired this post, at that time – but I don’t think it matters. Why? Because uncertainty is nothing new – it’s just that it has an illusory quality, so it can appear that way. We are always living with terms we don’t know, timelines we can’t see and weaknesses that have yet to be revealed. The illusion is that we have control. But, in moments like this, we get a clearer picture of what we can (and should) control, and most definitely what we can’t.

So maybe the real measure of success is our ability to expand our capacity for uncertainty, and through that exercise, be more comfortable in the unknowable.

Considering the state of the world, I’m not sure we have a choice.

This word and emotion has fascinated me for years. When I see it in play, whether between parent and child, entrepreneur and idea, between Frida and Diego or in the more solitary waters of personal callings – I can’t help but survey my own life for signs of its indelible footprint.

Devotion implies love and purpose – a deep and unwavering knowing. For me, it represents territory where fewer decisions need to be made; where thinking is almost bypassed, because nature and instinct initiate the direction.

To be without it is to miss the quiet, non-negotiable and unmistakable pull. To be blinded by it is to lose all perspective about anything else that might matter.

I think as we learn to “manage” in our adult lives – whether emotions, expectations, standards, sense of possibility – as our priorities are tested or we take bigger swings and risks, it’s no surprise that we crave the singularity of devotion more than ever. For myself, I love the “no matter what’s,” because at least I know the score, despite the implications or tradeoffs. It’s the straddling, the paralysis, the exhaustion of choice – standing at the fork of any road – that becomes heavy and layered with fog. 

Yet, without clarity about where to put our attention, how to spend our thoughts, with whom to invest our sacred minutes, there’s a certain kind of suffering that tears at our deepest fibers.

In fact, I’m beginning to appreciate the strength of all emotion, even in tidal proportions. The price of unequivocal clarity, in contrast to ambivalence, sounds like relief, even as I write it. This becomes even more true if you happen to live in a world of abundant choice; which most of us reading here do.

To be devoted is to be free.

And just as much, to be devoted is to be constrained.

This paradox is the surprising truth (and pain) of devotion. 

Sometimes it’s is a choice.

Sometimes it’s a truth.

The greatest gift and in equal measure the greatest anguish of this emotion is that we can’t be devoted to everything… or everyone. 

PS in case you missed it, check out our last post, TBH.

TBH.

Admittedly, language and the construction of messages fascinate me. I really really, love noticing how people use words. When I meet someone who strings just the right words together to communicate precisely what they intended, it gives me goosebumps. Or, when I hear something complicated expressed with only a few (usually exceptional) words, I want to give a tip of the proverbial hat.

Of course, language is my vocational currency, but it’s also in our shared interest to be conscientious (if not vigilant) about how words and their meanings get co-opted. When we become complacent, our shared meaning evaporates.

In this spirit, I want to acknowledge an increasingly common preamble I’m seeing all around me (a particular favorite of those born between 1980 – 2000.) 

TBH.

It goes like this. “TBH, that date and time doesn’t really work for me.”

(For those over 50, TBH is shorthand for “to be honest.”)

Why do these three words necessitate an anacronym, you might ask?

Because along with IMHO, “in my humble opinion” and AFAIC “As Far as I’m Concerned” and FWIW, “For What It’s Worth” they have become much too long and clunky (apparently) when written in full.

These are almost exclusively used in the digital realm. And all of them are curious attempts to truncate expressions that actually didn’t need a short cut to begin with.

At one time, “to be honest” was reserved for a particularly candid revelation that prepared the listener for what the speaker was about to (honestly) share. A linguistic pre-game with a specific purpose – to delay the delivery of a piece of information that might otherwise land abruptly, hurt feelings or cause a shock, even the good kind. “To be honest” (said in full) is a natural transition to something brave – opening the gate to a disarming truth. 

“To be honest, I never liked your husband.”

“To be honest, I never showed up to work that day.”

“To be honest, I’ve always loved you.”

But today, not only has it been shortened, which naturally dilutes its potency, but the information that follows TBH is– to be really honest – a sizable non-event.

“TBH, I prefer tuna to turkey.”

“TBH, I thought it was at 5pm, not 7pm.”

“TBH, I don’t follow her.”

Dear TBH users, you’re committing a crime of precedent; sending a clear signal to anyone reading to wonder what you weren’t TBH’ing before. It also runs the risk of sounding passive-aggressive, an assemblage that can’t help but be heard with a whine. It adds unnecessary seriousness to otherwise transactional language that consciously or unconsciously cues others to listen to your words with gravitas.

A hunch about these sentence-starters is that they provide an onramp to messages that sound banal, but actually hold feelings. I should say Feelings with a capital F, the kind which call for an extra “umph”– for emphasis. An exclamation point wouldn’t be right, nor would bolding (though both would be more straightforward.) TBH is actually a digital shortcut for “read into what I’m about to say because I’m not going to say what I really mean.” 

Going back to the TBH examples above, here are some riffs on how to lose TBH, and turn subtext into context.

“That time doesn’t work for me, and I’m feeling frustrated that you always forget I have dance class on Tuesdays.”

or

“I prefer tuna to turkey and why doesn’t anyone remember that I’m a pescatarian.”

Or whatever.

Who cares, you might ask? We all need to care.

Language is a primary tool for us. If we aren’t saying what we mean, we’re still saying something. We rely on each other, whether in close and intimate relationships, or in professional collegial settings, to be candid – as much as possible. When that isn’t the case, dialogue becomes a moving target – a guessing game. When we aren’t direct or clear, we force people to assume, or makeup stories, and we lose opportunities to deepen understanding and strengthen relationships. In the perfunctory sense, it wastes time. In the poetic, it skirts connection.

TBH erodes the credibility that candor naturally cultivates. In many office communications, TBH lands with defensiveness. Interpersonally, it has a boy-who-cried-wolf quality. TBH is a sidestep (and copout) in the communication path

Don’t get me wrong; efficiencies are nice.

BRB, “Be Right Back”

FYI, “For Your Information”

GTG, “Got To Go”

These and others like them are useful for a few reasons, but the most important one is that their intent doesn’t get diluted by becoming an anacronym. And this, to me, is the litmus test.

If you have a minute for one more…

A similar frustration exists for me with “in my opinion,” but in a different way. Of course, it’s your opinion. You’re the one sharing it. In addition to the obvious, IMO initiates a subtle move to disown the idea about to be presented and adds a touch of humble bragging. Because ownership is implied in whatever statement is about to be made by the speaker, IMO signals a lack of conviction, and unwillingness to fully own whatever is about to be said. IMO feels like “this is just from the humble, possibly uninformed position where I sit. I may know nothing. Or everything. It depends on the outcome.”

Example.

“If we hire this guy, we’ll be solving a problem, but we won’t be creating a solution.”

Add IMO to this sentence and suddenly it’s smaller, less impactful, and reduces the idea to a purely subjective expression tantamount to hand-raising for agreement or disagreement. It’s just another opinion… with a whisper of “take it or leave it. If I’m right I’ll get credit for saying it, but if I’m not, then it was just my opinion – nothing more.” 

My hope is that these hashtag-style crutches will lose their luster in 2020, and that those who hope to drop a mic by using TBH will realize that this word cocktail has the opposite effect. It’s like being invited to a party billed with suspense about an impossibly cool band, only to show up and find Pandora playing that band’s music (with commercials.)

When we use language consciously, we become closer, wiser and even more free. 

When we phone it in, even without mal intent, meaning is diluted, and we miss the chance to be heard, known and seen.

The consequence to this seemingly granular referendum is that we lose something much bigger than we think – which is the attention we earned to be in the conversation at all. 

PS if you liked this post, check out Replication.