When we feel invisible, in our work contributions, in our personal relationships, in our families, in our communities, as women, as mothers, as partners, as friends – it sucks (just to be really eloquent). There’s a rage, and then sadness, that comes from habitual invisibleness or insignificantness. Any time we don’t feel valued for what we bring, that yucky feeling translates across many platforms and manifests in funky ways. It might be a general cloud of negativity that dampens your magic. It could be overreacting to one thing when you’re really upset about another. It could be a vague malaise or fatigue or depression.  It can also look like constant complaints – suddenly, no one can make you happy because you’re unpleasable. The one thing you need fulfilled isn’t getting the light of day.

There’s frustration (and even indignation, or humiliation) when you give and give, and you give your BEST, and the people around you treat it like another Tuesday.

“We couldn’t do this without you.”
“Your work makes our work so much better.”
“You add so much to this team.”
“How do you do it?!?”
“Yes I’ll drop everything and come help you – that’s how much you mean to me.”

That’s what most of us simply need to hear. The overwhelming majority of us don’t need parades in our honor or cakes to celebrate how smart or brave or nifty we are. We just want the people we respect and love most to do one thing– see our worth, understand our circumstances, and act like it.

But you can’t make anyone do any of that. When it happens, it’s amazing, but in the meantime, try to take the time to count the ways that you impressed your own bad self. Stop relying on the world, a boss, a partner, a colleague –  to tell you. And take it ALL IN when someone you respect, notices. It’s not a cynical view, but when you stop looking for it, and start getting high on your own supply (if you will), it usually finds you.

#intrinsicrewards.

 

One fantastic thing about aging – or really just the passage of time and the experience that comes with it – is how much we clearly see the conditions that support our success. You start to deeply commit to what it takes to be not just happy or successful – but actually effective.

This idea is easy to overlook. Conditions create the environments where you thrive, but can be easily ignored because they aren’t the “thing” themselves. They’re the supporting pillars for the “thing.”

Some examples here that are particular to me – and I’m sure an athlete, actor or CEO would have their own (very different) list.

Writing. I am on so many calls all week – which is part of my work – so I don’t nearly have the time to write that I used to. That means I have to create it – schedule days with no calls, no meetings. I protect these fiercely because if I don’t, I’m not as focused and good as I need to be. Saying no… in order to get to something right and good and persuasive – takes space.

Meetings. I almost always insist on an agenda (if I don’t see one in place.) An agenda-free meeting is one without the needed constraints to keep everyone focused and making decisions. Creating it or asking for it is an extra step that takes time. But without it…you have rabbit holes.

Media. I love reading, listening to podcasts, discovering new music, streaming TedTalks…all if it feels like fertilizing a garden of understanding the world, people, ideas. But not all of it. If I find myself deep into something silly – celeb gossip, Facebook, someone’s headlining misfortune – I try to move on. Not useful. Creates cobwebs. Dark thoughts.

Texts/Emails/Social: I don’t read email first thing in the morning, or during dinner with family, and I am completely out of the loop on viral jokes, and all the “things” that populate the internet for wow factor. This is because I guard my attention. I see how my device hijacks me. I feel this tension – and resist it as much as possible. It’s enough as it is!

Socializing: Once I learned that I’m actually an introvert (misidentified as an extrovert), I immediately understood why I regularly practice the Irish Goodbye at parties, and often leave an hour or two earlier than my husband. I have a certain social / party chatter tolerance – shorter than most, perhaps – which used to feel like a lack of endurance. But now I see that it’s my natural protection mechanisms kicking in – preserving physical and mentall space for my benefit. It’s a wall I recognize for it’s usefulness to my emotional hygiene.

What are yours?

Like everything, there are exceptions, and of course staying out till 3am is fun, and watching Jimmy Fallon’s “Ew!” is amazing, and catching up with a friend when you should be writing your book is worthwhile. Yep. But personal policies also make space for what matters, and at the end of the day, you actually know what happened – instead of wondering “where the day went.”

Here’s to good waves, a strong Dow, fluffy snow…and all other optimal conditions.