Sometimes I go to bed at night with a deep sense of reward. Finally, I think to no one but myself, a nice, long stretch of rest before I face all of the decisions, demands, and solutions to be required of me tomorrow.
But thenâ€¦ the next morning comes â€“ about 5:15 am usually (thank you enthusiastic birds of New England) and I wake up thinking: Already? Seriously? Is it time to do this again?
For me, itâ€™s not about dreading my day or resisting the phase of life or work Iâ€™m in. Of course, some weeks feel mentally heavier, while others more light/productive. Yet others create the sensation of bailing water out of a sinking boat. But this lifeâ€¦ especially when you bite off a big chunk of it â€“ whether creative, financial, managerial, analytical, intellectual, operational, emotional, parental â€“ or any other role that shoulders the wellness or future of something or someone important, is demanding as fudge.
Itâ€™s so interesting to me to observe that as we grow in our vocations and are able to take on more risk or responsibility, we must also grow internal capacity to bear more uncertainty. But being metaphorically out of breath and in an almost constant state of whiplashâ€¦ ainâ€™t no way to live.
For me, this past month proved to be opaque. What I thought would happen, develop, grow, become realâ€¦showed up as something completely differentâ€¦and with many a curveball. Because the reverse pattern seemed to repeat itself, I decided to start looking at things like the flow of a river; â€œwhere the water flows, so shall we go.â€ Corny, yes – but I needed it.
If the meeting seemed difficult to nail down, I released my need to have it.
If the person didnâ€™t seem sure, I prepared to let them go.
If the idea didnâ€™t resonate, I put it away for later.
Sometimes the world/ universe/ spirit/friends are throwing up roadblocks to steer you in a different direction or help you see an alternate route. Iâ€™m trying to watch for those now, instead of muscling through with an unyielding force. Which isnâ€™t to say Iâ€™m not persistent and determined, but thereâ€™s something to be said for observing the flow. While you know clichÃ©s give me hives (but here goes), â€œmeant to beâ€ usually presents as the right time, place, words, opportunity â€“ a sign of some kind, or ease, that reassures.
Exhaustion comes from thinking you have to deal with it all.
Restoration comes when you realize a lot of â€œdealing with itâ€ may have nothing to do with you.